Goldilocks and The Three Bears: Death and Porridge

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BadNews R What the heck kind of horror movie is this? Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge is the very definition of a de-rated disaster. Not only is it far from decent, it’s not even semi-okay. This one is a cluttered mess from start to finish. The idea itself isn’t bad: taking the classic Goldilocks fairy tale and turning it into a horror movie. That could have been fun. But instead of giving us eerie CGI bears or something imaginative, we get three actors wearing Party City bear heads, and the whole thing feels like a parody gone wrong. The supposed “family of bears” didn’t feel threatening, just cheap and awkward, and the psychotic personalities didn’t really land the way they should have. Goldilocks herself was another missed opportunity. Instead of reminding me of the classic character, she came across more like a twisted version of Alice in Wonderland. She had the “psychotic and deranged” part down, but giving her a gun was the lazy route. Imagine if she had used something tied to the fairy tale—a honey pot, a honeycomb dipper with a hidden blade, or even poisoned porridge. That would have added real creativity and tied the horror back to the story. The writing is where this movie completely falls apart. The setup promised a horror twist on a childhood story, but what we got was a random home invasion film with little connection to Goldilocks or the bears. Instead of leaning into the fairytale horror potential, the movie spiraled into bizarre, directionless nonsense. Yes, the characters were psychotic, but it was never enough to hold the film together. There was no tension, no atmosphere, and no sense of fun. By the end, it just felt like wasted potential. Verdict: Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge could have been a wild horror reimagining of a childhood classic, but instead it’s a cheap, sloppy misfire. I don’t recommend it whatsoever unless you’re in the mood to laugh at how bad a movie can really be. Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 09/10/25 Full Review Isaac H A cool Watch and crazy kills in this one! I like the fact Goldilocks is insane in this movie and way better than what we were expecting. Rated 3/5 Stars •  Rated 3 out of 5 stars 06/15/25 Full Review Kevin J Absolute garbage. Extremely annoying constant giggle, terrible acting, goldilocks slithers around like a snake with irritating head movements, grenade bear throwing helicopter arms for the entire movie, zero effort to fight back.. just an endless list of suck. Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 06/13/25 Full Review Sally W A dark version of the classic tale although quite violent in places. A slow start ends up being full action and mayhem we really liked it!! Rated 3.5/5 Stars •  Rated 3.5 out of 5 stars 05/29/25 Full Review Frank S Was actually really good. Goldilocks was crazy in this and did not expect the direction they went. The ending was slick I have to say! Rated 4/5 Stars •  Rated 4 out of 5 stars 05/10/25 Full Review Paula W Pretty cool but very violent in places. Rated 4/5 Stars •  Rated 4 out of 5 stars 04/20/25 Full Review Read all reviews

Goldilocks and The Three Bears: Death and Porridge

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