Only God Can Judge Me

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Audience Member I kind of suspect that director Tody Walker did not want people to actually watch his ridiculous Christian drama <i>Only GOD Can Judge Me</i>, given that the movie begins with ten minutes of credits played over Christian rap songs, followed by portions of sentences from the Bible (misspelled and strung together as to be meaningless), followed by another ten minutes of a preacher yelling things at an invisible audience... all before getting to the real story. The real story is about David, on trial for murdering his cousin in broad daylight. The jury is made up of twelve middle-aged white men, proving that David's attorney is about the worst lawyer ever. His strategy for winning the case involves meeting the opposing attorney in the bathroom and trying to convince him that it is un-Christian-like to send an innocent man to jail... even though pretty much all signs point to David being the murderer. While David awaits the jury's verdict, he speaks with his grandmother who convinces him to accept Jesus into his heart with this solid argument: "Birds fly. Fish swim. The sun rises and sets. Isn't that proof enough?" Apparently it is enough for David, as the movie cuts back to the preacher who informs us of David's immense faith. Returning to David's cell, he seems mostly melancholy and ready to accept whatever the jury decides. Meanwhile, the jury has convened in their little room and already there's trouble brewing. "Is this AC broken?" one man wonders, the heat in the room a metaphor for the trouble that will be brewing soon. You'd think that it would be a pretty clear-cut case, seeing as how David killed his cousin in broad daylight on a busy street, but there are still a few who aren't quite sure. "I'm a CEO. I know everything," one Texan man asserts. His knowledge of everything, unfortunately, isn't enough to sway the few that are holding out on proclaiming David guilty. Didn't the old woman who was one of the key witnesses in the case have "a touch of Alzheimer's"? And wasn't the street where David's cousin was killed filled with traffic? A flashback shows the one witness to the murder <i>removing his glasses</i> when he thinks he sees something bad going down. What? WHY? Cut back to the white words on black background with Christian rap playing. FAITH IS THE SUBTANCE OF THE THINGS WHICH ARE NOT SEEN. Cut to the preacher, who begins talking about the story of David and Goliath (the American judicial system playing the role of Goliath in this story) and has to keep explaining that he is now talking about his friend David or he is now talking about the Biblical character. He eventually gets into such a frenzy that he starts sing-screaming his sermon and that's when our director decided to cut away mid-sentence. Back in the deliberation room: "Is that suit Armani?" "No, but I'm friends with a guy who worked for Armani. He got a real break in life." "How so?" "Oh, he killed his wife. The jury found him innocent, but after that he was always bragging about how he killed her." It is becoming increasingly obvious that every single juror should definitely NOT be on this jury. Another man turns out to be an unrepentent racist. A third, as it turns out, had a sister who was murdered. But despite the fact that nobody has anything fruitful to say, other than repeating the phrase "beyond reasonable doubt" whenever asked to explain why they think David <i>isn't</i> guilty, slowly the tides begin to change. One by one, the jurors begin deciding that maybe David should be proclaimed not guilty after all. What could this be, other than the divine work of some kind of retard deity working its magic on the simple folk in the deliberation chamber? Thank you, Lawd, you're saving the life of an ambivalent murderer. God does work in mysterious ways, don't he? Oh, how bad a movie <i>Only GOD Can Judge Me</i> is. It can be hilarious at times, but you have to subject yourself to so much mind-numbing preacherizing and illegible sentences played over idiot rap songs to even get there. The short version is this: there are precious few films that deserve a 1/2 star rating, but Tody Walker has soared right into that elite class with both fists flying. It's a masterpiece! Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 01/15/23 Full Review Read all reviews

Only God Can Judge Me

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