Utopia

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Waqar S That’s an hour of my life I’m never getting back. Utopia is an ironic title, because almost anything I watch after this will feel utopian by comparison. I’m genuinely not sure another film could combine such catastrophic writing, acting, plot decisions, and musical choices in one place. Calling this "Oscar-worthy" is like suggesting my dad’s colonoscopy should be screened at Cannes — both productions contain roughly the same amount of… material. The story centres on a British philosopher who also seems to run a walk-in IVF clinic, where he grants fertility treatment to anyone who walks through the door, including women in a country already overflowing with children who need homes. Then comes the plot twist from hell: instead of having a child with his actual partner, he decides he’d rather emulate Alexander the Great and produce blue-eyed offspring abroad. Yes, that is genuinely the storyline. And to make it even more bewildering, the film expects us to follow this brown-eyed man's mission to single-handedly replenish the region’s stock of blue-eyed babies. The only saving grace is Martine, who at least turns in something that resembles acting. I’d say this should have gone straight to DVD, but that would be far too generous. This film should have gone straight to the cutting-room floor, ideally followed by a neuralyser wipe for the entire cast so none of them had to remember they were in it. To top it off, the film manages to be offensively shallow about every culture it touches: the pontificating British man with an identity crisis, the parent obsessed Indian children, the eccentric, alcohol-obsessed older Indian man, and a heroine whose only narrative function seems to be surviving a conveyor belt of misfortunes. Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 11/27/25 Full Review Read all reviews

Utopia

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