Things

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Benjamin H If I was God, and I heard this product was not only being made, not only being promoted, but actually released, then I would invite Satan over to manage the heavens so I could personally eradicate my failure below. Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 03/07/24 Full Review Amber L It has its moments. But I was in it. So, grain of salt. :) Rated 5/5 Stars •  Rated 5 out of 5 stars 07/05/23 Full Review Nathan N So if you're into horrible movies this one is 10/10 perfection, that said, when benchmarking it against normal human movies a 1 star is generous. It's a must see if you're into campy horror films but not because of any reason you want to think about. Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 06/18/23 Full Review tom k Watched this on The Last Drive In with Joe Bob Briggs and although it is a horrible piece of trash, JBB pointed out that like all films, this was a group of friends with extremely limited resources simply trying to tell a story. I can appreciate it just for that and find a way to enjoy it. Rated 2.5/5 Stars •  Rated 2.5 out of 5 stars 03/31/23 Full Review Audience Member Worst. Canadian. Movie. Ever. Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 02/01/23 Full Review Audience Member NOTE: This film was recommended to me by Kenn Meehan for "Steve Pulaski Sees It." Andrew Jordan's Things is one of those straight to VHS oddities that came out in the late eighties, and something along the same lines of a blue moon appearing on Friday the 13th in addition to all the planets aligning occurred to give the film a present day cult following. Films like this are lucky to get any kind of due, as most of them went released directly into obscurity. Things, however, thanks largely to the internet and the old idea of "going viral" in the days of VHS, managed to survive and thrive. Things is a pretty stupid film; its aesthetic can only be described as "scuzzy," the "acting" on display feels more like videotaped hangouts between two friends, and the entire thing carries the vibe of a home movie meant for an in-home projector that's on the fritz. The film revolves around two friends (Barry J. Gillis and Bruce Roach), who basically get together to drink a boatload of beer and eventually fight a grotesque looking creature. Gillis' character comments about how his wife and him are incapable of reproducing, which leads to him urging his wife to undergo an experiment where she gives birth to a series of demonic-looking ants that disrupt the buds' casual hangout. Also in this for the long haul is porn star Amber Lynn in a pretty useless role as a reporter who keeps coming back to inform us what is going on in the story; even with her commentary, Things is still a task to watch because most of the film is meaningless, low-lit conversation handicapped by poor audio quality. If nothing else, the film has a claustrophobic element, even though the film's narrative approach is something very realistic and commonplace. It sets itself up to model after some of the best horror films of its respective era, but once you realize the characters depressingly do and say so little, the overall effect winds up being tedium and lack of interest. Predictably, there is a legion of fans quick to justify and affirm the quality (or lack thereof) in Things called "Things-ites." As usual, I find myself on the outskirts of most cult followings, residing far back enough to distance myself but not far enough where I can't respectfully observe. In this case, the "Things-ites," in this case, should also be commended for their ability to sit through this film more than once. Starring: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan, Bruce Roach, and Amber Lynn. Directed by: Andrew Jordan. Rated 1/5 Stars •  Rated 1 out of 5 stars 01/29/23 Full Review Read all reviews

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