Audience Member
"Writer-director" Aaron Yamakuso, you just set Hawai`i filmmaking back 50 years. You're having the BEST WEEK EVER!!!
This is Aaron Yamakuso's first attempt at a feature film, and from the looks of it, he's well on his way to a wonderful career flipping burgers at McDonald's. <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> is the amazing true story of two guys who find samurai swords in the backseat of their car. And then the fun begins!
...Oh wait, no it doesn't!
This is the worst movie in the world. I want to sue the size 14 pants off of Aaron Yamakuso for the two hours he stole from my life; time I could have spent on pulling my own wisdom teeth or scrubbing my toilet with nothing but my bare hands and long fingernails after eating 3 sloppy Joes and a cheesy double beef bean burrito during a tremendous stomach flu-- both activities being far more enjoyable than sitting in front of my poor television screen waiting impatiently for the end credits to come. I still don't know why I forced myself to sit through the whole thing. This "film" wasn't worth the Memorex DVD-R it was burned on. I thought long and hard about <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>-- definitely longer and harder than Yamakuso did-- and I honestly can't think of anything good to say about it. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Normally, I can at LEAST go, "the camera was pretty level in that shot". No such luck. I thought I was watching the end result of a group of blind 7-year-olds stealing their parents' Hi8 camcorder. This is by far the worst movie ever made.
This movie is so thumbs-down, it couldn't even win a Razzie. It didn't even get nominated. But it DID win the audience award at the Hawaii International Film Festival. It helps when the audience is your mom and dad. Don't let this crowning achievement trick you into watching it; even <i>Meet The Spartans</i> topped the box office its opening weekend. Fucking serious. Google it.
At the very beginning of the "film", before the turtle head pokes all the way out, there is a disclaimer telling you not to take the "film" too seriously (TRANSLATION: it's crap). Now, if a film actually has to TELL you this? Not a good sign. The disclaimer instructs you to talk loudly during the performance to add to the casual viewing experience (A.K.A. a piss-poor attempt to distract you from its colossal shittiness).
So it's supposedly bad ON PURPOSE; however, if you should end up in Hell and/or Aaron Yamakuso's house and are forced to watch this coil of shit, you'll quickly come to a quite obvious conclusion that he is actually trying really hard to make an awesome flick. The actors attempt kick-ass dramatic performances comparable to <i>Crimson Tide</i>, but come closer to <i>The Marine</i>.
The crap acting is just the tip of the shit-filled iceberg. The camera angles are all crooked and "extreme" (TRANSLATION: crap). The story is C-movie, at best. Yeah, you heard me right, the plot of <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> isn't even good enough to reach the obviously unattainable status of B-movie. The dialogue attempts to be dynamic and witty, but is shit like everything else. Rumor has it that a hard copy of the screenplay will actually attract flies. Plus, the techno score is annoying... not necessarily because it's techno, but because it's NON-STOP. That's right, the music plays in the background THE WHOLE TIME, acting as a droning, constant subliminal reminder of how bad this thing is. I don't care what the disclaimer claims, <i>BOTS</i> was not made this shitty on purpose, because it takes itself WAY too seriously for what it was: a joke.
Picture this: "filmmaker" Aaron Yamakuso shoots the crap thinking he were Kurosawa reborn as the son of Tarantino. Then, upon viewing the footage on his iBook and being hit with the sudden realization that his grandparents lied to him (he actually does suck), he quickly adds the simple disclaimer at the beginning as if to validate the steaming pile he spent tens of dollars creating. ...Yes, this "film" is low-budget. But that is no excuse for its record-setting suck factor. Great films are born of substance, not budget. <i>BOTS</i> had neither.
Allow me to further articulate the overwhelming power of this 90-minute waste of time: if I were having a three-way sesh with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel in front of a TV and <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> came on, I'd be out of there quicker than Steven Seagal in <i>Executive Decision</i>. True story. If I had to choose between watching <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> again or getting my cock chopped off with a pair of nail clippers, I'd actually have to think about it.
I know a guy from Hawai`i that got deployed to Iraq. While he was there, his mom sent him a care package including snacks, CDs and movies. One of the movies was <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>. He popped it in his DVD player, very excited and longing to get a little slice of home; being so far away, ANYTHING would do.
15 minutes later, he took it out and threw it away. Some say the disc is buried in the sand for some unlucky Iraqi to find, not unlike a land mine full of shit.
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the campy, grindhouse style Troma-esque blood, guts and gore flicks. There are tons out there that are fun and enjoyable. But just like in any other genre, there are good ones and bad ones. <i>BOTS</i> is a bad one-- not just a bad one, but the worst one. In any genre. Ever.
Undoubtedly, some people will try to defend the movie. Two, maybe three. They'll say, "it's so bad, it's good!" Those people are idiots. A movie is either good, or it's bad. There's no such thing as a good bad movie. But there ARE such things as idiots that like crappy movies, such as <i>Meet The Spartans</i>. "But there must be SOMEONE that can enjoy this film," you argue. Yes. Aaron Yamakuso. ...Okay, fine. If you like Uwe Boll, you'll LOVE <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>. But chances are, you don't like Uwe Boll.
The suckfest runs about an hour and a half, which is about 90 minutes too long. The best thing about this "film" is the DVD cover, so next time you're near the Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin, take a look at it-- DON'T TOUCH IT, just look-- and quietly walk away. You're welcome.
...If you enjoyed watching <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>, you may also enjoy some of these pastimes:
Eating Shit
Getting Bubble Gum Stuck In Your Hair
Being Hit By A Car
Rated 0.5/5 Stars •
Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars
02/08/23
Full Review
Audience Member
They get half a star for trying, and for being from Hawai'i, I guess. Aaron Yamasato needs to study actual film technique instead of ripping off "Lone Wolf & Cub". This is nearly unwatchable when it is not cringe-inducing.
Rated 1/5 Stars •
Rated 1 out of 5 stars
02/16/23
Full Review
Audience Member
Fun, campy, made by Hawaii guys, and got made into a local series. Androids, cursed katanas, crossbow shooting mercinaries, ninjas, and samurais -- it's enough of a humorous cross-cultural thing for me to love.
Rated 4.5/5 Stars •
Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars
01/26/23
Full Review
Audience Member
Here is my review for <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>, the absolute worst "movie"-- if you are kind enough to call it that-- I have ever seen in my whole life.
[NOTE: I have not watched <i>The Room</i>, but I hear it is a serious contender.]
<i>Blood of the Samurai</i> is the amazing true story of two guys who find samurai swords in the backseat of their car. And then the fun begins!
...Oh wait, no it doesn't!
I want to sue the size 14 pants off of Aaron Yamakuso for the two hours he stole from my life; time I could have spent on extracting my own wisdom teeth with a wooden spoon or scrubbing my toilet with nothing but my bare hands and long fingernails after eating 3 sloppy Joes and a cheesy double beef bean burrito during a tremendous stomach flu-- both activities being far more enjoyable than sitting in front of my poor television screen waiting impatiently for the end credits to come. I'm still trying to pinpoint the reason I forced myself to sit through the whole thing, but it may be easier to find the Higgs boson. This "film" wasn't worth the Memorex DVD-R it was burned on. I thought long and hard about <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>-- definitely longer and harder than Yamakuso did-- and I honestly can't think of anything good to say about it. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Normally, I can at LEAST say, "the camera was pretty level in that shot". No such luck here. I thought I was watching the end result of a blind, one-legged, 18-year-old dog (human years) with a Hi8 camcorder strapped to its back. Allow me to reiterate: this is, by far, the worst "movie" ever made.
This "movie" is so thumbs-down, it couldn't even win a Razzie. It couldn't even get nominated. It sucks so much shit, that you can't even make fun of it for being bad, because that would mean <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> has caused enjoyment, and that is impossible. In all fairness, this piece of shit did win the Audience Award at the Hawaii International Film Festival in 2001. It helps when the audience is your mom and dad. Don't let that crowning achievement trick you; even <i>Meet The Spartans</i> topped the box office its opening weekend. Fucking Google it.
At the very beginning of the "film", before the turtle head pokes all the way out, there is a disclaimer telling you not to take the "film" too seriously (TRANSLATION: it's crap). Now, if a film actually has to TELL you this, you're gonna have a bad time. The disclaimer literally instructs you to talk loudly during the performance to add to the casual viewing experience. Why not just NOT watch the movie, moron? The thing is, if you should end up in Hell and/or Aaron Yamakuso's house and are forced by him and his parents to watch this coil of shit, you'll quickly come to a quite obvious conclusion that he is, in reality, trying hard to make an awesome flick. The actors attempt dramatic performances comparable to <i>Crimson Tide</i>, but come closer to <i>The Marine</i>. The crap acting is just the tip of the shit-filled iceberg. The camera angles are all crooked and "extreme" (TRANSLATION: crap). The writing is C-movie, at best. Because B-movie status is too lofty a goal for Aaron Yamakuso. The dialogue attempts to be dynamic and witty, but is shit like everything else. Picture Tarantino with a pen, paper, and a massive concussion. And no <i>City on Fire</i> to rip-off. That's the script to <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>. Rumor has it that a hard copy of the screenplay will actually attract flies. Don't get me started on the music. I'll tell you anyway. The techno score is terrible... not necessarily because it's techno, but because it's NON-STOP. The music plays in the background THE WHOLE TIME, with NO BREAKS, acting as a droning, constant reminder of how bad this thing is. <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> was not made this shitty as a joke, because it takes itself WAY too seriously.
My theory is this: "filmmaker" Aaron Yamakuso shoots the crap thinking he were Kurosawa reborn. Then, upon viewing the footage on his Gateway and being hit with the sudden realization that his grandparents lied to him (he actually does suck), he quickly adds the simple disclaimer at the beginning as if to validate the steaming pile he spent tens of dollars creating. ...Yes, this "film" is low-budget. But that is no excuse for its record-setting suck factor. Great films are born of substance, not budget. <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> had neither.
Allow me to further articulate the overwhelming power of this 90-minute waste of time: if I were having a three-way sesh with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel in front of a TV and <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> came on, I'd be out of there quicker than Steven Seagal in <i>Executive Decision</i>. True story. If I had to choose between watching <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> again or getting my cock chopped off with a pair of nail clippers, I'd actually have to think about it.
I know a guy from Hawai`i that got deployed to Iraq. While he was there, his mom sent him a care package including snacks, CDs and movies. One of the movies was <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>. He popped it in his DVD player, very excited and longing to get a little slice of home; being so far away, ANYTHING would do. 15 minutes later, he took it out and threw it away. Some say the disc is buried in the sand for some unlucky Iraqi to find, not unlike a land mine full of shit.
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the campy, Troma-eqsue blood, guts and gore flicks that <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> tries pathetically to be. There are tons out there that are fun and enjoyable. But just like in any other genre, there are good ones and bad ones. <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> is a bad one-- not just a bad one, but the worst one. In any genre. Ever. Undoubtedly, some people will try to defend the "movie". Two, maybe three. They'll say, "it's so bad, it's good!" Those people are idiots. A movie is either good, or it's bad. There's no such thing as a good bad movie. But there ARE such things as idiots that like crappy movies, such as <i>Meet The Spartans</i>. "But there must be SOMEONE that can enjoy this film," you argue. Yes. Aaron Yamakuso. ...Okay, fine. If you like Uwe Boll, you'll LOVE <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>. But chances are, you don't like Uwe Boll.
The suckfest runs about an hour and a half, which is about 120 minutes too long. The best thing about this "film" is the DVD cover, so next time you're near the Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin, take a look at it-- DON'T TOUCH IT, just look-- and quietly walk away. ...You know what? Don't even look at it. It's a black silhouette of a samurai against a red background. You're welcome.
If you enjoyed watching <i>Blood of the Samurai</i>, you may also enjoy some of these pastimes:
Eating Shit
Getting Bubble Gum Stuck In Your Hair
Being Aaron Yamakuso
Rated 0.5/5 Stars •
Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars
02/21/23
Full Review
Audience Member
Aaron Yamasato needs to hang it up because <i>Blood of the Samurai</i> is one stinking pile of garbage.<p>70 minutes is all it takes for this monstrosity to reach it's conclusion, but boy it feels like 2 hours. The plot details are paper thin while the settings, camera work, dialogue, and lighting are bottom of the barrel in quality.</p><p>There are swords, but what potential the swordplay has is hidden behind the paper thin plot details and bottom of the barrel settings, camera work, dialogue, and lighting.</p><p>The acting is a joke. The line delivery is equally as bad. The non-stop background music is annoying; talk about a 1 track soundtrack. Don't forget the paper thin plot details and bottom of the barrel settings, camera work, dialogue, and lighting.</p><p><i>Blood of the Samurai</i> has paper thin plot details and bottom of the barrel settings, camera work, dialogue, and lighting. Enough said.</p>
Rated 0.5/5 Stars •
Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars
02/09/23
Full Review
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