Audience Member
Pocket Ninjas, a.k.a. 3 Ninjas Remade By Sadists, is one of the hardest movies to sit through, comprehend, and when it's finally over, recover from. It's only 77 minutes but feels more like several lifetimes; ones filled with unrelenting pain and suffering. Words can scarcely describe how terrible this film is. It's extremely rare to see every single aspect of a films production: directing, screenwriting, editing, acting, cinematography, music etc., be not only bad, but tragically bad. The law of averages states that at least one of these elements should have been handled at least semi-competently, even if only by accident. But no. At some point while watching, worryingly early on if I'm honest, I started to believe that the 'film-makers' were doing them badly on purpose, because no one on Earth is capable of such astounding ineptitude, especially not so-called professionals. Maybe they weren't, and they were actually being forced to make this garbage as some kind of repentance.
There is literally no plot whatsoever. It's almost entirely composed of torturous, repetitive martial arts montages, the music is mind-numbing and ill-fitting, the acting is uniformly abysmal, the sound effects seem to have been done by someone who didn't even know what movie they were applying them too, and rising above all of this is the script. In many instances the soundtrack is too loud and drowns out a lot of the talking, but when you actually hear the characters interactions, you'll quickly realise just how lucky you've been. The dialogue is shockingly inane, with nonsensical insults and laughable conversations read from cue cards the actors can clearly be seen reading just off screen. There's not a single scene where anyone says anything even remotely logical, interesting or relevant. Every time a character opened their mouth I dropped several IQ points. I was technically brain-dead before the halfway point.
I could go on and on and on about this film. Heck, if I was feeling especially malicious I might write a thesis on it, exposing to the world just how wretched and hateful everything in it is. But I'm not going to. Simply acknowledging that it exists makes me ashamed, and to recall the memory of watching it brings me close to tears. It has a special place reserved in the deepest, darkest pits of Hell, where the Lord Satan himself can bear witness to mankind's true capacity for evil.
Rated 0.5/5 Stars •
Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars
02/26/23
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