Seeds of Evil

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Audience Member Here is an obscure hunk of shit I found at a pawn shop for a measly $2. What sold me on skipping out on buying a soda and instead use the quarters purchase this disc was the description on the back of the DVD box artwork which states that "The Gardner" is a "flowery mix of 70s mod-art film, grindhouse horror and Italian giallo along the lines of horror mastros Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci". That statement got me excited as I lap up grindhouse horror and giallos. I should have known better than to expect something that good from a film called "The Gardner." The plot has a women mysteriously die after looking at a flower (I shit you not) and one of her rich friends hires her hunky gardener to tend to her foliage. Sure this guy looks good without a shirt (yes he walks around the entire film shirtless) but it seems he brings death wherever he goes as all of his past employers have mysteriously died and or disappeared. It seems he is a Druid and now our rich pampered wife must destroy him. I was really hoping this would be an over-the-top thriller comparable to William Friedkin's silly killer Druid opus "The Guardian" but no dice. What we get is an extremely boring, sluggish "horror" film that is big on filler and low, as in no, thrills. The film takes it's sweet ass time in trying to build suspense as our main character does detective work on her mysterious gardener's past but it leads up to nothing as our ending leaves too many plot aspects unresolved not to mention leaving the audience banging their head against the wall with its ineptitude. The acting is below par with our Gardener being stiff and wooden as the trees in his garden when it comes to mumbling his lines. Hell we even get a poor man's Burt Reynolds look-alike as our main characters rich career focused husband who is of course too busy to take notice of her problems. "The Gardener" is an obscure and boring film that deserves to be forgotten and ground up into sod to feed to your vegetable garden. Scratch that as this film no doubt would cause your plants to shrivel up and die. The groovy 70s soundtrack is the only aspect I can remotely praise this film about. All I have to say is that this 'gardener' can take his green thumb and shove it up his ass. This is just another dust collector to throw on my DVD shelf. Note: The film was originally released in a cut version as "Seeds of Evil" and I would have happily seen that version over this uncut version as that would have been a few less minutes of hell I would have had to suffer through. Rated 1/5 Stars •  Rated 1 out of 5 stars 01/17/23 Full Review Audience Member What a weird little movie that you and I had never heard of... with good reason. Besides being weird, it's also got glacial pacing, silly dialogue, and a complete lack of technical merit. It's also got Andy Warhol's favorite slab of meat, Joe Dallesandro, as a shirtless gardener who almost never says a word and instead stares unblinkingly into the camera. No, he can't turn himself into a tree; he does turn into a sort of shrub when he gets shot, though. No, he can't act. No, this isn't a horror film. No... well... just no. Joe Dallesandro plays Carl, a mysterious (yawn) gardener who can somehow (zzzz) grow flowers that control (snort) people's minds. He never once feeds them human flesh (who wrote the synopsis on Netflix and Flixster, anyhow?). Actually, he never does anything much but stand around shirtless and stare at things while delivering dialogue that often consists of no more than three syllables. He also appears pantsless while diving into a pool a couple of times. Katherine Hepburn's less-talented niece, Katharine Houghton, stars as the wife of (yawn) some kind of business guy, and she has an obnoxious friend (yawn) in Rita Gam, who eventually turns into ivy or something. The flowers.... the flowers are going to control your mind! Which is probably the only way most people will see this whole dull affair. Stuff happens, we hear a lot of tree frogs peeping so loudly that they nearly drown out all other sounds, and then Katherine Hepburn's niece shoots Andy Warhol's favorite slab of beef who transforms into a sort of shrubby, tree-y kind of thing in sequence that make's Lon Chaney Jr.'s 1941 transformation into the wolfman look all high-tech and slick in comparison. Roll credits and attempt to stand up. You can't, can you? The flowers! I watched this movie in hopes of branching out in my enjoyment of horror, but I wound up rooted to the spot out of boredom. It's a blooming awful film, and my advice to you is to leaf it alone before you wind up as bushed by watching it as I was. Rimshot, please? Rated 2/5 Stars •  Rated 2 out of 5 stars 01/30/23 Full Review Audience Member I can't rate this one more than 10 % since I saw this about 15 years ago and can't remember much except this: Plot: Joe D'Allesandro (one of Warhol's so called superstars that starred in Flesh) is a gardener in a botanical heaven and can turn himself into a tree. It was a kind of art-house picture with Joe in really tight gay jeans, and production values were OK. Even though it sounds lame and stupid, I do remember liking the film though. I'll have to track this one down again. Clicking through the RT community, it seems that I'm the only one who has written anything about this film. It figures ... That's all folks... Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 02/27/23 Full Review Audience Member one of the most horrible movies i've ever seen Rated 0.5/5 Stars •  Rated 0.5 out of 5 stars 01/31/23 Full Review Audience Member Not at all scary, well maybe the scariest thing is Joe Dallesandro's acting. It had potential, but it just never got going. The synopsis is also very misleading. Rated 2/5 Stars •  Rated 2 out of 5 stars 01/12/23 Full Review Read all reviews

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