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      I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle

      1990 1h 30m Horror List
      Reviews 52% Audience Score 500+ Ratings Satanists clash with British bikers, creating a vintage motorcycle that runs on blood. Read More Read Less

      Audience Reviews

      View All (36) audience reviews
      Audience Member It's a dreadful movie and should only be watched by those who 1) like Plan 9 for all the wrong reasons; 2) Have helped themselves to plenty of intoxicating liquor beforehand. If you fulfil the 2 conditions above, you might just make it... Rated 2 out of 5 stars 02/27/23 Full Review Audience Member Looking through my countless review drafts I notice I've seen too many good movies recently (mostly ones I would award 100% to). In hindsight that doesn't like a problem of any sort, except for as much as I love to write about good movies there's only so many praises I could give out before repeating myself like a heavily cliche film. Thus with a title like "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle" do you really need any other reason to see it? No and sadly it's goofy nature is what ends up killing itself in the end. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle loose narrative is about an evil spirit inhabiting a motorcycle for vengeance on the bikers that killed his fellow vampires. First and foremost the opening of the film gives no context for the bikers murdering vampires. Much like the writers of the script things just happened in the film just because they can. Protagonist dreams about getting killed by his own talking feces is one notable example. Nothing about the narrative feels connected as comedy overtakes the horror elements that the film was so eager to mix together. Emphasis on comedy is done poorly as the script demands you give up three things; 1.) continuity in plot , 2.) your brain to oversee it flaws, and 3.) interesting characters. Shutting off your brain is easy, but difficult while viewing the film. Plot points created on the spot contradict earlier scenes logic (like never explaining if a vampire motorcycle runs on blood, oil, or both). Characters are nothing more than archetypes not committing an single word for a variation on the archetype. An annoying girlfriend who does little in the story, a priest who performs an exorcism on a possessed motorcycle and gets crucified (no doubt a secret metaphor that represent the writers desire to be forgiven for their sins for creating such as travesty), the best friend that's murder (don't worry, his best friend doesn't care either), the incompetent cop, and vampires weaknesses. These are some of the elements that are chosen only for the approach to be straightforward comedy. Problem being that a comedic situation is given a horror treatment. Since the characters goofy nature imbalances the horror tone and without a care for death there's no fun when a killer motorcycles goes on screen. Treating it nothing more than a everyday occurrence. As for the true horror side of the film it's uninspired. Creativity is lacking for a film titled "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle" when it comes to its kills. Severely decapitating most of his victims heads is tiresome, although the gore effect are adequate in small numbers. Adding to the tedium are when its victims are given large windows of time to avoid death. Not only are most of the death easily avoidable, but most of his victims aren't important to the plot. One of the best aspect about horror is fearing which character might die. Here it's made abundantly clear which main characters live. Painfully moving at a high velocity for of four miles per hour is a lack of speed. Everything in the film is slow from actors performing physical movements even spoken dialogue is done slowly (especially in delivering its punchline). Don't worry about the bad dialogue as the sound editing is even worse. Music tracks play on way to long, vehicles sound are compress or at times sound like a train, and whenever an actor is talking background noise can drown them out. Everything from the look, the editing, the acting, and the poor writing are scream cheap. Unlike some films were a cheap look can add to the appeal in this case it serves only to further to highlight everything wrong with it. Deciding to do nothing with its premise including having fun with its goofy concept. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle bad comedy overshadows uninspired horror elements. Mixing both of the horror genres negative aspects (logic gap, continuity, desire for heroes deaths) and bad comedy (nothing ever becomes of anything, no characters cares anything, a single trait reused as jokes) that you'll be left without a laugh or scare. Rated 1 out of 5 stars 02/11/23 Full Review Audience Member A guy purchases a classic motorbike. Unbeknownst to him, the motorcycle is an easily butt-hurt blood-thirsty monster bent on killing anyone who even lightly offends it. Soon people discover the bike is repulsed by both garlic and crucifixes, so those are used to defeat it. Probably the best 1980's British horror/comedy. Rated 4 out of 5 stars 02/02/23 Full Review Audience Member least the title isn't lying. It tries to be a comedy but the only thing funny about it is the fact it fails to be a comedy. Read my full review at... Rated 1 out of 5 stars 02/06/23 Full Review Audience Member As ridiculous as it sounds - manages to be both enjoyable and cringeworthy due to a mix of being actually funny and so bad that it's funny. Rated 2.5 out of 5 stars 01/17/23 Full Review Audience Member this was really hard for me to watch just too stupid. I wanted to finish it only to be able to say I watched I bought a vampire motorcycle. Rated 1 out of 5 stars 02/25/23 Full Review Read all reviews
      I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle

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      Cast & Crew

      Movie Info

      Synopsis Satanists clash with British bikers, creating a vintage motorcycle that runs on blood.
      Dirk Campbell
      John Wolskel, Mycal Miller
      Original Language
      Release Date (DVD)
      Jul 27, 2010
      1h 30m