Audience Member
Directed and produced by Charles Band, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn feels like the movie that goes with all of my favorite stoner metal albums. It's also in 3D, which makes it even better and it was already a movie in which the bad guys spray people with green drugs that put them into a dream state where they're killed with crystals.
Dogen (Jeffrey Byron, who co-wrote The Dungeonmaster) is a space ranger searching for the supernatural evil that is Jared-Syn, the leader of the One Eyes who have torn out their own eye and started a holy crusade against the humans that have come to their planet. Except that Syn is probably not really one of them and just wants to destroy everyone.
Our hero rescues Dhyana, a crystal miner's daughter played by Kelly Preston, and together they meet a prospector named Rhodes (Tim Thomerson), who takes him to the nomads. This leads to a battle with one of them, Hurok (Richard Moll, whose shaved head for this movie led to the producers of Night Court loving that look) that ends with them as friends.
I kind of love that this movie combines a western, a post-apocalyptic movie, science fiction, sorcery and whatever else it feels like throwing at the screen. I just wish that I had seen it in 3D as a kid, because I really feel like my life would be in a very different place today as a result.
The world needs more movies that make as little sense and are as entertaining as this.
Rated 3/5 Stars •
Rated 3 out of 5 stars
02/06/23
Full Review
Audience Member
Zero idea why I loved this as a kid. It is obvious in its comparisons to Star Wars and Mad Max and casting Michael Preston as Jared-Syn didn't help the cause. There's little plot, backstory, character development and there's a whole lot of driving. Shot in 3-D with some glaring omissions. The character of Baal (metal arm dude) could've been something really special.
Rated 2/5 Stars •
Rated 2 out of 5 stars
07/15/20
Full Review
Audience Member
This duel Mad Max/Star Wars rip off is a little more distinguishable than most of the era (There were loads) due to the fact that it is fucking insane. There's some weird shit going on here man, that fucking cave nightmare vision for instance, the evil dude who talks with his mind and has silver teeth (possibly the most cool looking yet weirdly ineffectual bad guy ever) and the endless chase climax that culminates in....well, im not sure really, some strange, perplexing shit that comes off like a 2 quid knock off of 2001's star gate trippiness. Features the most remarkably uncharismatic lead in movie history, and yes, i have seen The Room. Its really weird how this silly fucker of a film doesnt even realise that it actually has a genuinely cool and charming motherfucker who should actually be the lead in Tim Thomerson, at one point he even gets mildly injured and taken out of the film till he pops back up out of nowhere at the ending, leaving us marooned the rest of the way with fucking Jeffrey Bryon, a gaping chasm where a human being should be.
Rated 2.5/5 Stars •
Rated 2.5 out of 5 stars
01/25/23
Full Review
delysid d
i'm starting to have doubts about this film
Rated 2.5/5 Stars •
Rated 2.5 out of 5 stars
03/10/22
Full Review
Audience Member
A hot guy has all the wrong adventures in a low budget future complete with armored dune buggies, lazers, and psi-borgs. A rip off of Dune, The Road Warrior, and Cruising all at the same time, this sci-fi mess made John Travolta have Kelly Preston kidnapped when he saw it.
Rated 2/5 Stars •
Rated 2 out of 5 stars
02/17/23
Full Review
Audience Member
More inspired by Mad Max than Star Wars, despite the description, this film traces a Ranger as he tries to do stuff to prevent a bad guy from doing bad things. I regret that I can't be more specific than that because I couldn't really understand it. The plot in here is paper-thin and inconsistent. At one point the bad guy touches a magic crystal and teleports the female lead to his den without ever really establishing A. that he could use magic and B. that he even knew of her. Amusingly, this film was so sure of itself that it doesn't even end properly, simply fading out as the villain gets away in a confusing chase sequence.
Despite this the film is still fairly fun. It has all the basic characters ripped off from Star Wars (the damsel in distress, the heroic warrior, the dashing and loner rogue) combined with the world setting of Mad Max (post-apocalyptic wasteland with lots of heavily modded cars) and some bizarre fantasy story. The elements are familiar and entertaining, even if the film adds up to not much at all. It is at least entertaining to watch.
Rated 2/5 Stars •
Rated 2 out of 5 stars
02/22/23
Full Review
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